Altruism

When was the last time you took yourself out for a day and rewarded yourself with a gift or a special dinner? Why is it that you are much more likely to do things for others than give to yourself? Are you not just as important?

After recently meeting with a close friend who had just emerged from a long-term emotionally abusive relationship, I began to reflect on the nature of giving-and-taking in relationships.

Psychology shows us that the more time we invest into something, even if it isn't necessarily the best thing for us, the more reluctant we are to give up on it, to let the pieces fall where they may and just move on. Nowhere is this escalation of commitment more evident than in relationships. Once a certain amount of effort is poured into sustaining a relationship and creating the fantasy of a life together, a person begins to believe that, in spite of life not being idyllic, she can "change" her partner. And that's when trouble starts right at the point where you lose sight of the fact that the only person in the whole world who you can control is yourself.

Yet there is that age-old mistaken belief that if only you give enough love, if you can just support someone for as long as it takes to heal all wounds, everything will be all right. So many people will hang onto this notion, to the point where they begin to sacrifice their own needs and desires, clinging to the thought that "In the end, all will be rewarded."

There is a tendency in our society to romanticize martyrdom and the sacrifice of our own needs for the sake of others. This is a trait that becomes especially evident in women; perhaps because of various traditional role expectations or perceived obligations, a woman will frequently place the needs of everyone in her family ahead of her self-interest. An individual who makes a habit of forsaking her needs may tend to use others as an excuse to give up on herself, possibly due to the fear of taking risks, not valuing herself enough, or feeling that she has to do that in order to prevent being abandoned or unloved. Whatever the hidden motivators, the line between giving of yourself and suffering emotional drainage is unclear for so many of us. It is difficult to pinpoint exactly when we become victims of our own altruism.

Altruism is often perceived as the pinnacle of love, while selfishness has always received a bad rap, even though it is actually a form of self-preservation. It implicitly involves looking out for yourself, taking charge of your own life and not having to readily submit to others' criticism or approval at the cost of your own self-esteem. Yet so many of us are determined not to be selfish and not to love ourselves more than our partners. People do things for a spouse or child much more often than for themselves, if only to avoid being perceived as selfish. And it is this same fear of appearing "selfish" that drives so many individuals into unhealthy, emotionally-abusive situations, where they become caretakers who give too much of themselves instead of enjoying equal partnerships.

I think of my friend and how simple it would have been for her and so many in similar situations if she abided by one simple life lesson: Change begins only in yourself. You cannot rescue someone. You cannot change another human being because, whether you like it or not, the desire for change must emerge from within.

A healthy relationship must start out with a just as healthy sense of give-and-take. This in turn begins the moment you erase the belief that self-sacrifice is the mark of love, and replace it with a new definition of love that incorporates compassion, valuing each other's worth, and above all, understanding.